As Jude’s due date gets closer the more I think about the ‘what ifs.’ I know deep down in my heart that everything happens for a reason, but it doesn’t make the questions stop. What sex would they be? What day would they be born? Their first steps, words, or giggles haunt me with the desperate cries of “I will never know.” And you know what it’s okay that I never know. It’s okay that Jude wasn’t brought into the world. As heartless as that may sound, this has been the hardest year financially and spiritually. Jude would of been brought into total chaos. I am mentally struggling every day. Cutting out my entire family has been overly confusing, heartbreaking, and down right scary. The scariest action I’ve ever taken. Growing up I was always taught that no matter what family comes first, we always support family. Now I learned this through watching my friends family’s, my family was always a little different. I always wanted a normal family, so I would do anything to maintain that image even if it meant pretending to have the ‘best’ parents. They were the ‘best’ in terms of spoiling the shit out of me. I got everything I wanted, but that also made me a spoiled bitch that no one wanted to be around. I didn’t even know how life truly worked until I was forced on my feet. I had no other choice starve or be abused? I would choose starving any day. But man did I crumble a lot. I mean a lot. Anyways, I don’t think I would of cut my toxic family out of my life if there was Jude. Besides all the raging hormones coursing through my body, I would want Jude to know their family. I wouldn’t want my child to end up broken. I didn’t understand the pain of loosing a child until I heard those 4 fucking awful words, “There is no heartbeat.” In that moment I learned what protecting my child at all costs meant. I wanted to protect my child in that moment, but fuck did my body fail. I felt and still feel guilty for not being able to protect my baby even if it’s not truly my fault. I believe I had to go through that experience to actually understand protecting my loved ones at any cost. I will have children someday and they will never know Rhonda’s family. Rhonda’s family has chosen to be okay with what Tim’s done, there is no way any of them would protect my child. They’ve done nothing to protect me. Now Tim’s family, I honestly don’t know. I had more support from them than I did from my own blood. No judgment, no what ifs, just kind words and reinforcement. I felt like I did the right thing even I lose them forever. It stinks but it’s true. I lose Tim’s family. That’s just how this works… no way to describe it besides saying, “Fuck you Tim.” I thought the pain would never go away. I thought it would forever feel like millions of knives stabbing at my heart forever. But one day I woke up, and the pain wasn’t as bad. The pain has slowly faded, but it will never disappear. And I don’t want it too. Pain still means that I care. I never want to stop caring. A month and half after I lost Jude, I lost my awesome job. They couldn’t handle Tim anymore or the paranoia that my situation brought. I understand. They never did any of it to hurt me, but they had to protect their family. They needed to feel safe for their family. All I can say again is “fuck you Tim.” In that moment I lost everything my financial support and my health insurance. I couldn’t even Imagine trying to bring a child into that mix. Fuck we were days away from being homeless, I couldn’t even imagine. Timing is absolutely everything. The hardest concept to grasp is I won’t be able to have kids. Now I can always try, but with all my health issues it’s a gamble. I don’t want to gamble with a life. Even if my child would survive, I would never want them to have the health issues I’ve had. I would never wish the struggle I’ve had mentally and physically over the years. Kids are mean enough these days, no child needs to worry about their health. What kind of human would I be knowing I could harm my child? There are so many children that need love. I want to help them. I personally know how it feels not to be wanted or loved by my parents. I can relate and understand the child’s pain. I never wanted my own kids. The thought of a human life coming out of me scared me shitless. I guess this is the universe’s way telling me that foster care is the way I should take. That was always my plan before Jude. I am many years from that. I still have many demons that I need to face. One of them being learning to love myself again. I haven’t loved myself in years. Tim stripped me of that confidence. Tim’s actions made me hate myself. Again, another big “fuck you Tim.” I can’t fully love anyone else before I love myself. And I am working on it every day. To most the simple art of writing, reading, or painting means nothing, but to me it’s everything I loved before the videos. I have to learn to be the best version of that girl. And I am slowly turning into what I believe is my best version, but no child should have to go through that journey with me.
As my wedding day gets closer the more I realize how my life is about to completely change. This last week I’ve been struggling with the fact that my mother nor any of the family I grew up with will be there. It’s a weird feeling grieving a mother that is still alive. I honestly don’t know how to explain it. All I can tell you is it fucking hurts. It hurts because my mother should be there. She should be helping me plan the wedding. That is what mothers do, but instead I find myself still wishing I had her love. All I want is her love. Sadly my wish will never come true, and I have to learn to come to terms with that. My mother chose the child molester over her child. She chose not be apart of her daughter’s wedding. At some point I have to learn to let go and realize that I am better without her fake love. If my mother chose a man who haunts me, I don’t want her anyways. But not only am I grieving my mother, I am grieving the loss of my entire family. Well most. It’s so terribly sad that victims are the ones’ that lose everything. I shouldn’t be the one to have to let go, but somehow I am the one to blame for Tim’s actions. None of it makes sense. And is fucking sucks because it will be a question that haunts me forever. Why them? Why the abusers? Why? Because I started a blog to show others how I was treated behind the curtain? Everyone in my family keeps telling me that I hurt them, but fuck I was a lost soul trying to wrap my head around what happened to me. At least I came out alive. At least I wake up every day and smile. Mike is the only reason I wake up and smile. Without him, I wouldn’t be here. Literally. And thank goodness for my real father stepping in. Chad didn’t have to step in and welcome me into his heart, but he opened his heart with flying colors. Not only did he welcome me, his entire family did. MY entire family did. Tiffany, my stepmother, has been more of a mother to me in this last 6 months than my own. I see my wedding as a closure to all the hurt, grief, and pain these last two years have brought me. I deserve to be happy. I deserve love and peace. This wedding is so much more to me than most. It’s not only a day to celebrate the man I am to marry, but my new life without the one’s that have hurt me. The ones’ that still talk to Tim and Rhonda will no longer be apart of me. I am completely letting go and I will never look back. It’s their lose not mine. I gave everyone a chance to open their eyes, but they chose to either live in denial or ignore Tim’s creepy behavior. It’s not even a question of if I am lying or not, I have proof. I have more proof than most victims, but the law fucked me and that is not my fault. Nothing is my fault. It’s Tim’s.
I noticed that I talk about the support that I don’t have very often, and I want everyone to know that I am not truly alone. Sometimes it’s just hard for me because my situation is hard for others to understand. Tonight I want to talk about the man I am to marry next month. I am truly overjoyed. Before I met him, I never wanted to get married. But I also didn’t trust before I met him. Every man I allowed in my life didn’t know how to handle me as a person. I am impulsive, irrational, and sometimes immature. Being abused I handle situations differently than most people. Honestly, I don’t handle them well at all. Mike has been patient enough to teach me how to handle situations the correct way. I was trained to hide my emotions and not talk about what is bothering me. Anytime something tragic happens in my life, I don’t know how to handle it. I completely have a melt down and automatically think the worst. Instead of dealing with the situation, I take it out on the people that are closest too me and that includes Mike. Since I found the videos that Tim took, I’ve had a hard time processing why? The why me? Why did he chose me? Why does no one in my family protect me? Why does Tim and Rhonda get to keep the family? The whys could go on for days. Mike is teaching me to let those things go. I can’t control what others believe, and I truly need to stop giving a fuck. Not only does he handle the melt downs with complete grace, he doesn’t give up on me. People either ignore my behavior or walk out of my life completely. He is the first person in my life to tell me that my actions towards certain situations are not my fault. I was brainwashed for 24 years of my life. He was the man that walked into my life to save me. He always hopes for change. Not only has he taught me what true love is, but what hope is. He taught me to always hope for the best. Find the light in everything and be grateful for what we have. I grew up in a family that believed image and money meant happiness. My parents bought my love instead of expressing it through emotions. Growing up, none of us ever said I love you to each other. I seriously mean never. I couldn’t even tell you a time when Rhonda or Tim told me to my face that they loved me. Instead, I got presents. I was spoiled in the sense that I had all the hottest toys, but I was lost when it came to expressing love. Mike has been the first person in my life to challenge that taught behavior. Instead of letting me bottle my feelings and buying him something shinny, he makes me express how I am feeling. Let me tell you, it’s a hard road. I still struggle with expressing my emotions the right way. I forget to tell him that I love him or that he looks nice. I am closed off and don’t mean to be. I’ve deeply hurt him in the past because I shutdown when problems arise. He again handles my melt downs with dignity and fights for me until I come back to reality. Most people wouldn’t do that. Most people would say, “fuck you” and walk away. Mike still loves me. No matter the hell I’ve put him through, he still loves me. The one thing I’ve learned is marriage lasts because people accept the other for who they are whether it’s the wonderful and the down right awful crap. Marriage is messy. It takes time, patience, compromising, and hope. Everyone glamorizes the wonderful part, but people forget what marriage truly is about; loving someone even when they don’t deserved to be loved. We need to especially love them extra when they don’t deserve it because that’s when it’s needed the most. Mike is my person. Mike will always be my person. He will forever my meowmate. I love you Michael George Hasapes, and I cannot wait to be your wife.
I tried walking away from writing because of all the hate I received putting my life on the internet. I slowly realized that I need this escape to help me breathe. Writing is how I release all of my expressions that I have a hard time grasping. Yesterday was another hard day for me. I want to share my stories, not to get attention, put to show how hard it is to be acknowledged and taken seriously as an sexually abused victim. The internet shows how times are changing for abused victims, but in my opinion nothing has changed. The media is glamorizing the #metoo #timesup campaign, but it’s only helping the rich, not a normal citizen. On Monday afternoon I find out if Tim will have any consequences for the crimes he has committed, but either way I lose. If he’s committed, all he will receive is a misdomener for video voyeurism and then he gets to walk away once again a free man. He will get a slap on the wrist for sexually videotaping his daughter. (I am his daughter because he adopted me) It sickens me that the law allows Tim to walk away a free man. Tim will never stop because he doesn’t have any consequences in his life. He always gets away with it. Sadly, I am the one that suffers. Not only do the police not take me seriously when I am scared for my life, no one else in my family seems to grasp that concept either. Tim has stalked me for my entire life. I never had privacy growing up because he was always scared of what I might reveal to others. He hacked into all of my social media accounts, went through my room, made up fake emails in my name, but the scariest action is he likes to stalk me from afar. I lost my amazing nanny job because of his actions, but yet the police can’t do anything because there is no “proof.” I have proof of what this man has done to be, but yet I still don’t get the respect I deserve. This is why victims end up dead. The victims are not protected by the law. The abuser is. Sadly, Tim will probably walk away with no consequences. I have a gut feeling that my case will be dropped because in the state of Florida this crime is not worth their time. Again it is a misdemeanor offense. I just want to wake up not scared anymore. I want to wake up and able to breathe. I am scared for my life everyday. What happens when he snaps? I am his target. I am the one he desires. Yes I know it’s creepy, but it’s true. This man left the screenshot of me naked on his desktop for a week in hopes that I would want to have a relationship with him. And to the police and my family that is an okay action? I just want to live a normal life. A happy life of no fear. I don’t want to end up like another victim, lying on the floor dead, because my cries for help were not heard. Who protects me when my family ignores the actions of Tim, and the police just keep wanting more “proof.” This is why victims don’t speak out. This is why we are scared to share our story. When does this stop?
If anyone has advice on how to start a petition the correct way please let me know! I want change to happen and for victims to stop being punished. I want our voices to be heard.